Aug 27, 2017
Have you ever been at your happiest, yet hurting, but not really hurting because you’re actually healing, so you’re happy because you’re growing? I don’t know if that makes sense, but there’s no other way for me to put it because that’s exactly how I feel right now.
It’s weird. I cried both tears of joy and sadness at the same time as I wrote this. Joy because of how proud I am of myself. Joy because I realized in the last few weeks there are people who really have my back more than I knew.
I was holding so much anger about many things these past few years, and I didn’t realize how much it was effecting me until I faced them and just let it all out.
There’s so much I want to write about to teach you guys. From being open about the things you have been through. Not caring what other people think. Not taking your mistakes so hard. That it always gets better. To focus on yourself. How sex is a big deal and you take a part of a person with you forever whether you want to or not. People can change if they really want to. Be careful with what you consider normal. It’s okay to cry. It’s never too late. What to expect when your really go all in for yourself. Forgiveness. How you actually really don’t need closure. Changing your mindset. Trying something new. Going after what you want. Not saying too much. You have to be willing to struggle. Accept people for who they are. Never do things out of spite. Find your peace. Literally. The list goes on. That’s just what I could think of in this moment.
I walked on SO many eggshells all my life intentionally and non-intentionally. Whether it was from not wanting to disappoint my family, having my parents worry about me, not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings by speaking the truth or thinking I was doing it out of spite, not wanting to be so vulnerable to the world because how much people tell me I inspire them or feeling like I had to be one way or else a person wouldn’t love or accept me for me. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I decided I’ve been holding in too much and I was going to let it out – and then it was when I had a conversation with my Mom that confirmed I was going to let it all out, then it was after doing it and hearing nothing but positive feedback that confirmed, I’m never walking on eggshells again. I was so afraid of all the negative things that could come from it that not even a single thought of positivity crossed my mind – and nothing but positive things came from opening that side of me.
I learned that my parents weren’t going to feel a way about anything I wrote because as my Mom said, “it already happened, what can anyone do?” and when I told her I was afraid that the family would want to kill people after hearing the things I’ve been through but how I need to do it for myself and work because I know that’s what I’m supposed to do and she said, “say whatever you want.” She’ll never truly understand how much peace and encouragement that gave me. Once I started slowly sharing stuff on Facebook (because that’s where they see everything) I was waiting for a call or a text or something especially after I just put it out there that I’ve broken phones and been cheated on, and nothing came in. It was just silently accepted. As if they had nothing to worry about. Like it just wasn’t an issue. Then when I facetimed my Dad for an hour and he was just giving me this look that didn’t have to explain what he was thinking – I could see it in his eyes. It was a, “I’m sorry you had to go through that, I’m so proud of you and I love you.”
The more I was slowly starting to open up on my blog and videos, the more free I was starting to feel. I could seriously see myself from the outside looking in HEALING. There was so much weight on my life that I was carrying for the sake of other people’s feelings at the expense of my own – and to let it out in a blog or two and feel that weight lifted immediately? It just had me looking at myself like uhhhh why didn’t you do this sooner? There were people emailing, texting and calling saying they could relate to the crazy that I feared sharing because I thought I was the only one who was crazy or dumb enough to put myself in those positions, there were strangers telling me they were praying for me, and it was just a shift. I was trying to hold all this in and try to go through it alone – I mean, I prayed about it, but I didn’t give it to God like you’re supposed to.
My biggest fears were what I listed above, and then I realized everything I was afraid of, I didn’t need to be afraid of. The very thing I was afraid of, is what is healing me. The very thing I was afraid of, is inspiring and helping others.
Are you living life walking on eggshells?
Are you trying to go through life alone?
If you are, stop. You don’t have to do any of those, and once you realize that and start living that, you will reach a peace that you never knew existed.